How I would revolutionize the job search

So there is this thing called a resume. I've been told it's necessary in order to get a job. My sources tell me that it is a summary of your skills and past jobs that tell your potential employer how awesome you are and how much you deserve to get a certain job. I've used it to acquire one such job, so I suppose that my sources know what they are talking about.

So, like a dutiful member of the twenty-first century society, I make a resume and tailor it to each job I apply for. This is not what I want to to. 

What I would like to do would be to simply list myself as an independent contractor, which is technically true and sounds MUCH better than "Server at Blah Blah Cafeteria". 

Unfortunately I'm not applying for business positions because I'm not a business major and I'm pretty sure everybody else would think it's weird. It's too much out of the normal system to be considered as anything other than strange and unconventional. I don't want to be labeled as strange and unconventional. Otherwise I'd totally do it. 

This is why: 

1. It tells the employer that I'm creative and think outside the box. Most people would say that they were a server at the cafeteria. But no, not me. I contracted myself out to the cafeteria for monetary compensation. I look at things differently and that is valuable.

2. It initiates a conversation with the interviewer, which makes me more memorable. They see that on my resume and want to know about it, so they ask. And then when they review the applications, they see mine and think "Oh, there's that innovative person, I remember her. She was cool. Let's put her in the call-back pile."

3. It catches attention. See above.

4. The potential employer sees that I value a job and treat it seriously. As an independent contractor, I'm not an "employee", I'm someone who sells my services. The employer becomes the customer and my client. I want to deliver the best product to my client, and I acknowledge that they will take their business elsewhere if I do not bring forth a satisfactory product. Boom. An understanding of the business model and instant work ethic explained in just a few words.

5. It makes me unique. And honestly, don't we all want to be unique and special just like our mommies told us we were?

6. "Server" doesn't sound important. It sounds boring and run-of-the-mill. "Independent contractor", however, sounds like something special. It sounds cool at parties. 

Demonstration: 

"So what do you do?"

"Oh, I'm a server."

"...Oh. Okay. ...Um, I'm going to go check the snack bar. See ya."

Versus:

"So what do you do?"

"I'm an independent contractor."

"Really? Sounds interesting. What does that mean?"

"I contract with Blah Blah Cafeteria to provide any services needed. Whatever they need, I can provide."

"Fascinating. Say, how about we go check out the snack bar?"

Independent contractor: Instant success.